I didn't really know what God was going to teach me coming into summer project. I trusted that He had plans to grow me, but besides that, I was at a loss for exactly how He would do that. I just kept praying for God to change me and to completely humble me. I can tell you that my heart a little over a month into project is completely different than it was when project started. My heart has been completely broken for the lost. I now have a deep passion to share the gospel with everyone and a clear vision of how broken our world is. Everyone has a story with hurts and hard times, and they need someone to share who Jesus is with them. Before project I thought of sharing Jesus with others (strangers) as a hard thing to do and not my favorite form of ministry, but I was still willing to do it, but now I can't wait to go out and share Jesus with everyone. I seriously get so excited to go out sharing, and I think it may be turning into my favorite mode of evangelism.
Before project, I knew I struggled with pride and performance. I hated how self centered I was, and this sin issue has been something I've been attacking while on project. I want to be free of it, and God is definitely at work in my heart, helping me to become more like Him. This last week we talked about pride and performance in our action groups (bible study), and it hit home with me. On Thursday, I also talked about the sin of idolatry with a woman on staff and less than an hour later my discipler went over an article with me that focused on idolatry being the heart of all sins. I came to realize that I do idolize things and those things take away from God. It was a humbling realization, and I am so glad that I can now tackle those issues and ask the Holy Spirit to continue helping me become more like Him and less like my sin nature.
After this past week of being truly humbled by how sinful I am, I had a really hard morning. I don't like to cry and especially not in front of others, but this morning I was barely holding my tears in. I made it to church, but then the water works started. I knew God was at work in my heart, and I was literally breaking. There was a lot going on, but God was really talking to me. The worship songs continued to talk about His forgiveness and love for me by dying on the cross. I've heard it my whole life, but Jesus' radical love for me by dying for my sins will never cease to amaze me. During worship I looked up through my tears at one of the stained glass windows in the church, and it displayed Jesus holding a sheep and one standing right next to Him. I realized in that moment I was the sheep Jesus was holding. I was broken, but while I healed, Jesus was holding me close to His heart. That's the amazing thing about Jesus, He will never let me go! This morning I prayed that God would send someone to comfort me or encourage me, and sure enough right after church I received a text from my best friend saying she was thinking about me and praying for me and that she had a verse placed on her heart that she wanted to share with me:
Psalm 5:11-12
"But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield."
It was like God was directly talking to me and affirming that He loves me and has good plans for me.
This past week God brought me to the point of complete brokenness. This morning I was a mess, but God also is comforting me while He changes me. He is humbling me and making me into who He wants me to be. I am completely broken but so excited to see what He does this summer through that brokenness. My life is not my own; it's ALL His.
